We have decided to try again.
Same meds, same IUI plan, and the same hope but with a pinch of salt.
I’m trying, again, to stay fairly detached from everything. We haven’t been ttc for long, just shy of 2 years now, but my God it feels like forever some days even though it’s less than 14 cycles.
And every day that there is a new baby announcement or pregnancy reveal it feels like a personal injustice. I know that it shouldn’t, and there is a part of me that feels joy for them, but the simultaneous breaking of my heart and weight on my chest.
A new friend asked me this week why I want this so badly– why do I want to have kids? Is it worth the pain and the heartache and financial struggle that I (we) are being put through to get to a potential of being parents? It really made me think, why is this so important to me? And honestly, I don’t know other than there’s an ache in my chest that just tells me that’s what I want so badly… I want it all– morning sickness and sleepless nights and terrible twos and skinned knees and moody tweens that turn into snarky teens and all the pain and love that comes with it. I yearn to hold a child and love them unconditionally, and care for them until I can’t. I desire to be the best version of myself and be challenged through parenting. I long to see my husband as a Dad, because I know he would be such a fun and incredible one. I want to give my parents grandbabies to spoil and love and play with while they age, and watch them love their grandkids better than they loved me. I want a family of my own making.
I just want to be a Mom.
Buy if being a Mother isn’t in God’s plan for my life, am I prepared to accept that and keep moving forward? I honestly never thought I would live this long; I always assumed that by this point either I would have completed suicide or had some freak accident. Because of that, it’s hard to look ahead some days. I haven’t “planned” my life out this far, because I never thought I would live this long. I don’t say that for pity but rather because it’s the reality of headspace. Would I love the house with the dogs and kids and sweet husband to grow old with? Yes, absolutely. Have I ever thought it would actually be a reality? Not really. Not even trying to be pessimistic, but just more of a realist– I didn’t plan to make it this far.
So we’re trying again, because God gives us science and doctors who have the knowledge and ablities to potentially help us. I took the 5 days of clomid and at home alone I injected myself with ovidrel. I’ve done the blood draws and got close and personal with “Wanda” again. My husband drove 3 hours to produce his “sample” then drive right back, so once again I went to the clinic alone. I signed the paperwork alone and was a human turkey being basted by myself. I laid in the darkness to marinate and ruminate solo before cleaning myself up and going to work 10 hours on my feet.
And so beings the dreaded TWW.
An Anxious Hope 